


The lengths We go For the Ones we Love

by AgeOfMiracles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky becomes the WInter Soldier, Clint Barton as Hawkye, F/M, Literally every character I could think of, M/M, Non existent American royal family, Sad, Steve is still Captain America, Tony Stark as Iron Man, Wanda and Pietro are Steve's adopted siblings, Wanda and Pietro still have their powers, royal au, vigilantes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgeOfMiracles/pseuds/AgeOfMiracles
Summary: “You don’t know how many dreams I’ve dreamed about you, and just how empty they all seemed without you.”





	1. Zhelaniye

Prologue:  
“I think Captain America is very relevant to today because he represents the best ideals of American values; a sort of ‘We need to do what’s right no matter what the consequences.’ I love that the character is not imbued with superhero powers. He just has a great faith in America, and what American freedom represents, and that is where his power comes from. I see him as a symbol of faith in the human spirit.”  
-Billy Corgan

“Captain America is among the truest of superheroes. He was born out of something very real and immediate. We were on the cusp of war and he stood as an answer to the fears of many American children.”  
-John Cassaday

 

“Captain America has become a beacon of nobility, steadfastness, and self-sacrifice. He, unlike some, represents the true best that the country, and the human race, has to offer and it has nothing to do with what powers he has. As we approach the Fourth of July, America’s birthday, I think it’s important to look at the comic book superhero who best exemplifies what this nation was built on.”  
-Kyle Anderson

 

Bucky grunted in surprise as he fell forward. Natalia glanced up, taking in his appearance then snorted.

 

“It’s not funny” he pouted. 

 

“I’m sorry” she said still giggling. Bucky scowled, mud dripping from his eyes. It only set Nat off again. Bucky swore under his breath. He had stepped into a massive muddy pool of water where he lost his balance because of his stupid old man shoes and fell face first into the mud. Normally he and Nat would laugh it off savouring their precious few moments of immaturity, but Bucky’s step- father was coming home today and Bucky had to be on his best behaviour so not to risk his wrath so he make it to Nat’s party. In celebration of Nat’s birthday, her parents had thrown a ball. Bucky’s mother, Winifred, had been saving up for weeks, washing clothes tirelessly. His mother had a dress suit specially made. It wasn’t made from scratch exactly but one of his old suits spruced up a bit so it would just pass for a dress suit. But now it and his hair were covered in leaves and mud. He was not happy. Bucky may hate his step-father but his mother had worked tirelessly to make this suit as well as one for his father. Alexander Pierce was not a particularly nice man. When his mother had gotten pregnant with him, she fled Russia to America. Pierce, at that time, was considered quite wealthy and his mother had married in hopes that he would set them up for life. Not months after, a fire destroyed his father’s business. He was ruined. They had sold their house and moved to the slums of Washington D.C in shame. Everyone single one of their friends turned their backs except for Nat. Nat’s family were rich and popular. Mr and Mrs Romanova were not good parents per say as they were more concerned with their image if word of Nat’s illness ever came out. But they did let her do whatever she pleased which included befriending Bucky. Even now, the Romanov’s just pursed their lips in displeasure but kept quiet whenever Bucky’s mother sent him away to avoid Pierce’s temper which was quite often. Bucky stood up, angrily brushing off some dried leaves. 

 

“I am sorry James” Nat murmured, glancing down at his suit. It would have been very convincing if it not for the sharp glint of humour in her hard green eyes. Bucky was still irritated but it was slowly being quenched by despair and dread. His father was coming home. Bucky imagined him stepping out of the carriage, his mother would wring her hands nervously as she greeted him. Bucky would stare at the ground waiting to see what new punishment Pierce came up with if he was in a bad mood which was nearly always these days. Bucky hated Pierce with a burning passion. He hated him for hitting his mother ad for beating Bucky himself. He hated him for drinking away any money his poor mother made. Bucky had promised himself one day he wold get them out of this. He had been putting away money wherever he could from him underpaid job at the docks. Him and his mother could run, get a new life. A better life. Bucky’s full name was James Buchanan Barnes. His mother went back to her maiden name after she fled Russia before becoming Mrs Pierce, wife to a drunkard business man with no business. They lived like the poor even though somehow there was always enough money for alcohol and cigars. Bucky used to think Pierce had a job that his mother didn’t know about. He was constantly leaving on trips out of the city and Bucky had heard many mysterious phone calls at night. 

 

“Yasha?” Bucky shook himself. Natalia refused to call him Bucky preferring, James or the Russian counterpart.

 

“If we hurry, do you think Maria could wash this out before the ball?” Bucky wondered half to myself. 

 

“We can always ask, that girl works miracles” Nat answered, pursing her lips. “Let’s get going, I shall not be happy if you miss this party”. 

 

“Oh yes. The parties here in Washington are so glamorous, it is something one could not possibly miss.” Bucky said, airily. Nat snickered. 

 

They made it to Nat’s house in record time, bouncing up the stairs to Maria. 

 

“Miss Romanova, what happened?” Maria in her usual, navy blue running get up, said with a gasp as soon as they walked into the kitchens. 

 

“I- I- tripped” Bucky blurted out. He sneaked a glance at Natalia which did not go unnoticed. 

 

“Well” Maria said, shaking her head at us, “let’s see if we can clean this up before-, 

 

“The party” Bucky and Nat chorused sarcastically. She looked me up and down, taking in every out of place thread, hair and stitch. 

 

A few hours later Bucky threw himself on his bed and buried his face in his hands. 

 

“James, my dear” Nat said, stunned at his ungraceful display of emotion, “pull yourself together. We are going to this party and you are going to have fun. There will be no moping at my birthday party.” Bucky sighed but sat up anyway. 

Maria had worked a miracle, there were a few missing seams and the material was a bit stiff around the waist but all in all, a big improvement over mud. Bucky hated suits. He much preferred track pants and jumpers to stiff dress suits. But for some stupid reason years ago, one really old man decreed that it will be tradition to wear the proper attire to any party, ball or the like. Proper attire of course meant to what they wore in the dark ages. Long skirts, corsets and dress suits. But tradition was tradition. Bucky personally thought the rule was made so everyone could clearly distinguish between classes.  
Nat had brought her dress back to Bucky’s house. Her parents were unbearable to her. She hated that they were more concerned over their looks than they fact that their daughter had a terminal illness. Nat went to change in Bucky’s bathroom and came back out with a cape covering everything. 

 

“Nooo, come on Nat I want to see” Bucky begged.

 

“Not now, I want it to be a surprise” he scowled. 

 

“Aww don’t be like that, we are going to have so much fun tonight, dancing, teasing the other guests and all that food” Nat could eat a whole buffet and only put on a few pounds, other girls were so jealous. Nat was small and curvy with long striking red hair and deep green eyes. Bucky on the other hand, was tall but not too tall with grey blue eyes. He also needed all the food he could get. He wasn’t scrawny per say. He actually had some muscles thanks to Nat’s tireless efforts but he certainly didn’t have a large build. 

 

At 7:30 a slamming door marked the arrival of Pierce. Bucky glanced at Nat who gave him small smile in return. They very carefully made their way downstairs to meet Bucky’s mother who had rode to the station to pick his father up. Nat had ordered a car for them all. She had offered one just for her and Bucky but Bucky did not want to leave his mother with that monster any longer than necessary. Pierce was standing above his cowering mother when they reached the living room. As soon as his father saw Nat he backed off smiling rather like Bucky would imagine a snake’s smile. A cunning smirk hidden behind a wide grin.

 

“Miss Romanova. I did not realise you two were here.” Nat smiled back, always polite. To anyone else, Nat was the perfect picture of a polite young lady but to Bucky. He could see the slight tensing of her muscles and the hardness of her eyes.

 

“Yes, my mother and father are very busy so I thought I would get out of their way and we can take the car together. You don’t mind do you?” Natalia asked demurely. Pierce smiled, but Bucky could see him grinding his teeth. He had no doubts that Nat did not miss it too.

 

“Of course. It would be our pleasure to escort you.” Nat turned back to Bucky.

 

“Come on let’s wait outside. Mrs Pierce won’t you join us?” Winifred Pierce looked up nervously at her husband who nodded curtly. Bucky smiled gratefully to Nat when they were out of Pierce’s sight.

 

“Are you ok Ma?” Winifred squeezed his hand.

 

“I am fine sweetheart.” Bucky helped her into the carriage then reached for Nat’s hand. She immediately slapped him away.

 

“Ow Talia!” Nat just rolled her eyes.

 

“I am capable of getting inside a car by myself thank you.” Bucky just stuck his tongue out at her.

 

“Very mature James”

 

“Like you care” Bucky shot back. Bucky jumped in next to his mother.

 

“Now James, you must not worry about me too much tonight ok? I want you to have fun. Go dance and socialise. Make some friends.” Winifred stared at him imploringly. 

 

“I don’t need friends Ma, I have Nat.” Nat grinned brightly. Bucky’s mother just shook her head.

 

“I know. I am so glad that you two are such great friends but I know you James Barnes. You would spend the whole night worrying over me instead of having fun. Please. Do this for me.” Bucky sighed.

 

“Fine. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

 

“This might surprise you but I am capable of looking after myself.”

 

“I know. It’s him that the problem.” Bucky growled.

 

“I know sweetie. Have your fun tonight ok?”

 

“Ok” Bucky acquiesced, “I love you” Winifred smiled and stroked his cheek.

 

“I love you too.” They jumped slightly when their front door slammed. Bucky settled in next to Nat as Pierce hopped in.

 

“Everyone ready?” Winifred nodded.

 

“Yes dear”

 

As soon as Bucky stepped inside the Romanov’s home, he could tell they had gone all out. 

 

“Wow Nat” Bucky said, staring in awe. Several crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, red velvet drapes in the doorways and a massive ballroom floor covered in swirling hoops and black shoes. 

 

“I know. It’s a very special occasion.” Bucky raised an eyebrow in question. 

 

“Oh did I not tell you?” Bucky glared. She grinned slyly. 

 

“No” Bucky said grumpily, trying not to sound interested. “What news?” Nat stopped, grinning to smile so brightly that Bucky thought she had been replaced by an alien.

 

“Oh it is so amazing, the royal family is coming, the king is coming to my ball or well my parents ball” she amended.

 

“No way. Seriously?” Even though the Romanov’s were very respectable nobles and very rich, the royal family leaving their castle grounds was very rare unless they were travelling back to their palace in New York. They never even went near the slums. Ever. Though that was to be expected. Commoners paled in comparison to nobles. Bucky paled in comparison. So them coming to Nat’s ball was a big occasion for Washington.

 

“Yes, I was so excited. Maybe they will let slip some information about the rebellion” she said gleefully.

 

Bucky couldn’t help but smile. Though he thought it strange and possible concerning that Nat got excited over fights, rebels and the war, he would never stop her. He probably wouldn’t even be surprised if she owned a knife or dagger and kept it under her pillow. Or was out being a hero with Captain America every night. She could be called the Black Widow or something. It was much cooler than Captain America, America’s resident vigilante, keeping America safe. Nat probably would love teaming up with him. She was very good with gleaning information off people though Bucky wasn’t sure if she could crack this Captain. Nobody knew who he was or where he lived. You never know, Bucky thought, Nat was very sneaky and she did whatever she wanted. Ever since seven months ago when Nat was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer, her parents had grown distant. Trying to keep any rumours of a dying daughter away from their name. The Romanov’s were a very powerful family and they kept their power by being utterly perfect. Being rich probably helped as well though. 

The music stopped as Mr and Mrs Romanov came into the room. Lillian Romanov practically glided onto the dance floor. With a full gold skirt, adorned with red roses, she looked so thin Bucky wondered if she could breathe with her corset that tight. Nat, any chance to upstage her mother, unclipped her cape. She was stunning with a red bodice and skirt, low pointed waist and ruffled sleeves. Her blonde hair was curled slightly then pinned in a bun with a pink flower crown. Bucky felt rather out of place. His stiff dark now felt too plain and his black shoes not shiny enough. His mother lit up a room no matter what she was wearing. Even being poor, people couldn’t help but stare at her radiance. It had slightly dimmed when she met Pierce but Bucky still thought she was beautiful. Bucky never really cared for his looks but in a room full of well-dressed people, Bucky suddenly felt very alone. The best thing for any young person was to marry, hopefully someone rich. If you were lucky you might fall in love at the same time. Nat already had plenty of suitors but she kept them at a distance. What would be the point in letting them court a dying girl, she had said when Bucky asked her. His heart always ached when she casually mentioned her illness. Nat was his best friend, his only friend. He didn’t know what he would do when she was gone, he never liked to think about it. Nat was so very likeable but never let anyone close except those few she trusted. Bucky felt so very lucky that she trusted him. Nat’s parents made their way over to her and Nat pushed him slightly, letting him know she could handle it. So Bucky made his way over to the dining tables.  
The food was exquisite, small pastries and tarts on the dessert table, bowls of salads and piles of meats and seafood on the savoury table. Bucky looked around, the grand room searching for his mother. He watched as Pierce dragged her from room to room while he engaged in conversation, completely ignoring his wife. It made Bucky’s blood boil. Winifred caught his eye and smiled sadly shaking her head. Bucky sighed but calmed slightly.

 

“Yasha? Are you ok?” Nat appeared behind him, holding two glasses of champagne. Bucky grabbed one gratefully.

 

“Yeah. Just he could not completely ignore her you know? She’s not a porcelain doll needing to be carried and put on display.” Nat smiled, sympathetically.

 

“I know. He’s a bastard, unfortunately a well-known one. It wouldn’t surprise me if he someday illegally restarted his business and became rich again. It’s just who he is.” Bucky scowled and turned back to the food. Nat grabbed a plate and joined him. They sat on the chairs talking quietly. People were spinning on and off the dance floor. Men pulling their wives up for a waltz. Nat was still talking to him but he could see her searching the room, waiting for someone to ask her to dance. After a few moments, a man who Bucky thought was Lord Odin’s eldest, came over and led Nat away for a dance. Bucky watched her. Nat was very graceful and an amazing dancer. He loved it when she was happy. He watched the man, Thor, spinning her through the room in a flurry of skirts. Bucky gulped down the last of his punch. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was jealous. Jealous of the attention, jealous that they lived their lives ignorant to everyone else. More than anything he wanted someone to laugh with, someone to dance with, and someone to wake up to every morning. Someone to love more than life. He would never ever admit that to Nat, who would probably try setting him up.

 

After half an hour of waiting and watching Nat take the arm of Lord, after Count, after Duke, she only went after the best. Bucky grew tired, disappointed. He knew he looked different but he had hoped that not everyone cared. Though he supposed anyone who came to the Romanov’s had to be a little stuck-up. Bucky knew his suit and even the cleanliness of his skin drove them off. Well, who needs them! Bucky thought, though he could tell by the pit in his stomach that he did. The thought of everyone judging him as he sat by himself, stuffing his face in his depression made him squirm. Bucky couldn’t wait to get home so he could change in his long shirts and track pants. He stood up, waving Nat off with a fake smile that she frowned at. Bucky walked upstairs looking for the bathroom, maybe he could clean the shame and embarrassment off his face. Bucky stared at his reflection. God, he was eighteen, he had one friend, no money, no plans for life except to get away from his step- father. Bucky screamed internally, wanting to punch the mirror. So everyone could see him bleed. So they could see he was human. Bucky turned on the tap, splashing his face with cool water. He breathed heavily and slid down the wall.  
Downstairs the music stopped and Bucky heard the shuffling of shoes and skirts against the walls. A loud clear voice cut through the quiet. 

 

“Ladies and gentleman, His Majesty King Phillips, Her Majesty Queen Sarah Rogers and his highness, Prince Steven Rogers.” King Phillips had been on the throne for ten years now. About four years ago, he married Sarah Rogers, Steve was sixteen at the time, so her and her son became part of the royal family. Bucky groaned. He knew he should be down there. Everyone in the household was expected to be present for the arrival of the Royal family. Bucky pushed himself up and raced back down the hall. He stopped and collected himself at the bottom of the stairs. Bucky brushed down his suit, his breathing still near frantic. He searched the crowd for his mother, seeing her up the front with Pierce he slipped quietly through the crowd. Bucky tapped Nat’s shoulder as he stopped next to her. 

 

“Where have you been? You nearly missed it” she hissed.

 

“I was in the bathroom, I dropped some food on my sleeve” Bucky lied. Nat pursed her lips, unimpressed. 

 

“Seriously? How are you so clumsy?” Bucky shrugged. “Well you made it just in time” Nat turned back to Prince Steven. His gaze was slowly making its way around the room. He was smiling but it felt cold and distant. Bucky flushed as his gaze lingered on Bucky for longer than necessary. Bucky quickly looked at his feet.

 

“Thank you for the introduction” King Phillips boomed. Bucky had no idea why everyone called him Phillips when it was his last name but no one seemed to know his first name anyway. “We are so glad to be invited to this lovely party. Please do not let our presence distract you, on with the dancing”.  
On cue, the music started up and people filed back onto the dance floor. Bucky quietly excused himself from Nat and her latest partner, and made another quick exit upstairs. He glanced back at Nat to see her taking the hand of the Prince, who had come up to him to introduce herself. Bucky sighed and rushed back to the bathroom. It seems even the Prince is one of those people who look down in disgust on people like me. He supposed the Prince staring at him was only pity or disdain. Bucky hated people looking at me him. He couldn’t stand pity. He did not need pity. Once Bucky and his mom were free, they could be happy. There was a quiet knock at the door. Bucky jumped then chastised himself, realising he had probably been in the bathroom for too long. 

 

“Sorry! I’m coming out” he called. He pulled open the door and rushed out, straight into someone’s well-muscled chest. Bucky tried to stop himself, but tripped over his own feet and sent him flying at the man and they both hit the floor.

 

Bucky cursed himself. Nat said he was clumsy and this proved it. The man beneath him groaned and Bucky realised he was lying on top of him. He drew in a quick breath, rushing to apologise. 

 

“God I am so sorry! I’m so clumsy. Are you ok? Of course you’re not ok? Sorry! God, I’m such an idiot.” Bucky rambled as he pushed himself off the man. The man chuckled and stood up. Bucky scrambled to his feet but tripped over the rug and crashed to the floor again. Not on top of the man fortunately.

 

“It’s ok” he said. Bucky got his feet out from under the rug, moaning in despair at his own clumsiness. He jumped as two arms wrapped around his waist and lifted to his feet. 

 

“Thanks. I’m really sorry about that.” Bucky said, brushing himself off. The man chuckled and it was then Bucky realised how close they were. The man’s arms were still wrapped around his waist and Bucky was almost resting against his very well –defined, now that Bucky was so close, chest. Seriously the guy could be Captain America with those abs. Bucky slowly looked up nearly falling again as he reached his face. 

 

“Oh shit” Prince Steven laughed and Bucky flushed. 

 

“God, I am so sorry, your Highness” A finger on his lips stopped his babbling. 

 

“It’s really ok” Bucky just stared, his body very aware of their closeness. Plenty of paintings depicted the Prince’s good looks but nothing could have prepared him for this. His golden hair caught the light, his muscles, his smooth jaw and cheekbones and his eyes. There was something about his ocean eyes that drew Bucky in. They oozed calm and kindness. The Prince’s lips quirked and Bucky realised he had been staring for too long. He blushed and looked at his feet, dropping his hands from where they rested on the man’s chest.

 

“S-sorry ” Bucky stammered. They just stared at each other awkwardly, the silence of their breathing was deafening. He seemed to realise someone had to speak. 

 

“You know if you really feel so badly about before then you can always do something for me?” Bucky nodded immediately. 

 

“Absolutely, anything.” 

 

“A dance” Bucky started and looked up disbelievingly.

 

“A dance” Prince Steven nodded. “You want to dance with me?” 

 

“Well why not? This is a party, you did knock me over and you are quite beautiful” Steven said, brushing a lock of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. Bucky blushed.

 

“S-sure”

 

“Great! Shall we?” He said, removing his arms from Bucky’s waist and offering a hand instead. Bucky missed the warmth immediately. He stared for a second before clasping it. “Oh, what is your name? It wouldn’t do to dance with someone and not know their name.”

 

“My name?” Bucky repeated stupidly. “Oh my name, Bucky, Barnes, uh James Barnes, your highness. Uh, Bucky’s my nickname but really only my mother uses it” Bucky slapped himself internally. 

 

“Do you mind if I call you Bucky?” Bucky shook his head, still dumbstruck. “Great, call me Steve by the way.” Bucky smiled slightly.

 

“Ok Steve” Steve gave him a blinding smile in return.

 

Bucky tensed as they walked into the ballroom. Steve put an arm around his waist.

 

“Relax, you’re fine” he whispered, his warm breath brushing Bucky’s cheek. Bucky shivered before he could stop himself. He could hear the whispers as they walked onto the dance floor.

“What is the Prince doing dancing with him” one lady whispered. Of course they knew who Bucky was. They just put up with him at parties because he was a great friend of the Romanov’s. Or Nat at least. Steve clearly didn’t know otherwise he wouldn’t be talking to Bucky, let alone dancing. Bucky pushed away his thoughts when he saw Steve looking at him expectantly. 

 

“Pardon?” Steve laughed quietly. 

 

“I said you are quite the dancer, yet you do not look like someone who would live for these things” Bucky arched an eyebrow. 

 

“And what type of person would come to these events your highness” Bucky snapped then bit his lip but Steve only smiled. 

 

“I meant no offense, but you just don’t look like one of those people who would sit around, chatting or dancing and drinking.”

 

“Well, you’re right about the dancing, but then there’s free food and it’s my best friends birthday so what’s not to love” Steve’s laugh rang out across the room this time. He has a beautiful laugh Bucky thought then shook his head quickly. 

 

Steve came back over to him four times before the night ended. They chatted as they danced and Bucky laughed with him more times than he can remember laughing in his life.

 

“Mr Romanova” the King boomed, his voice silencing the entire room. “We thank you for your hospitality, but we really must be in the best mood for Lord and Lady Carter tomorrow.” Bucky glanced at Steve, his expression was incredibly difficult to read but Bucky thought it centred somewhere between rage and hurt. He looked down.

 

“Mr Barnes” he said, bowing to me. “I hope to see you again someday.” 

Bucky bowed back, confused at the formality. Steve joined his family who were staring at him; in caution Bucky realised. He guessed it really was obvious to tell where he came from. They obviously did not want their son near him. A part of Bucky agreed that would be better if they never saw each other again but he couldn’t deny that another part of him, a large part of him, hoped to see Steve again soon.  
The rest of the party exited shortly after Phillips and the two Rogers’ left. Bucky waited at the base of the stairs as the Romanov’s waved each guest out the doors with their thanks and whispers of happy birthday. Nat glided over. 

 

“Happy Birthday to me, I am now officially 19 and you shall be soon too which means I get to plan your party and boy will it be extravagant” Bucky sighed, there really was no stopping her. “And what was up with you and Prince Steven. The way he was staring at you, I would give my left leg for someone to look at me like that.” Bucky looked down, his heart racing. 

 

“He wasn’t looking at me in anyway special” 

 

“Yeah sure” Nat frowned, “Anyway come on I am staying at your house tonight, my parents are unbearable” She looped her arm around mine and pulled me out the door. 

 

“Goodnight mother, father” she said before closing the door in their faces. Bucky had expected this and so had they. The only thing the Romanov’s and Bucky had in common was that they couldn’t say no to Nat. Pierce scowled slightly when Nat got in with them which made Bucky grin internally but he made no complaints.

It was cold and windy as they bumped along the dirt road that connected the sums and D.C. The car moved slowly because the snow made it hard to see. The driver was leaning forward, the wipers trying to push the snow from his vision. Bucky smiled lightly as small snowflakes floated through his open window and melted on his palm. In front of them was the royal car, making its way back to the palace. Bucky stared at the castle every time he went home from Nat’s house because he lived on the other side of town and the palace was between the city and the slums, he got to see it most days. It wasn’t as magnificent as the one in New York, Nat had said, but Bucky couldn’t imagine anything being more spectacular. A jolt snapped him out of his thoughts. The ice was thinner and slipperier on this corner because of the river. Lightning flashed up ahead and a sudden downpour of rain had Bucky rushing to pull up the window. The sky lit up and a large crack sounded. The ground shook as a massive trunk hit the ground just in front of us. The driver yanked the wheel to the side to avoid the tree. Bucky could feel the wheels slipping on the ice, sliding forward off the road. They were moving much to fast on the ice and Bucky could hear the roar of the river on his left. He felt Nat stiffen and he grabbed her hand, squeezing it in reassurance. The driver hit the brakes and the car skidded and tipped to the side as they veered to the left, straight into the frigid waters of the river. He heard his mother scream before Bucky was thrown forward then everything went black.


	2. Rzhavvy

The first thing Bucky was aware of was cold. Freezing cold invading his limbs. The ground beneath him was wet and icy. Bucky blinked several times trying to get them to cooperate as he spluttered trying to cough up the sharp ice and water coating his throat. He felt a warm arm around him, keeping him on the ground. His left shoulder was on fire. That isn’t right, Bucky thought. He was drowning.

“Ma” He finally managed after several minutes of coughing up water. 

“I am so sorry Bucky” Bucky blinked confused by the new voice. “We tried”. He tried blinking again and his vision swam into focus. “I’m sorry, I am so sorry” the new voice repeated over and over. Bucky looked up at the voice, watching the lips form words and the blurred lines form a face. 

“Steve? What happened?” “Where is ma?” “Where’s-” 

“Shhh” he said, “An ambulance is on its way to take you to the hospital.” 

“Where are they, what happened”

“Bucky” Steve said desperately. Bucky tried to sit up but he nearly blacked out again as waves of intense pain hit him. He screamed as he looked down at his left arm. His arm! Oh god. Bucky’s stomach roiled as he looked at the bloody stump. Bucky watched the slick blood run drip from the bits of flesh.

“Shit. My arm. My arms gone” Bucky mumbled. Steve pressed his jacket against the stump, trying to stop the bleeding.

“Please stay still Buck” he cried. Bucky just struggled even more.

“Where’s Nat and my mother?” he yelled, sobbing as blood kept pooling in the grass.

“I’m so sorry. We tried to find them, but the water is so cold and deep and the current is too strong. I am so sorry but they were pulled downstr-“The rest of his sentence was cut off with Bucky’s scream. Bucky sobbed as white hot flashes of memory hit him. His mother, the sparkle in her eyes as she sang, Nat laughing, teaching him how to dance. Helping his mother cook in the kitchen, racing Nat in the park. Bucky didn’t stop screaming, and Steve didn’t him go. Bucky passed out in his own blood.  
Bucky woke up to white. Sickly clean white. It was blinding. Bucky felt like he was suffocating. His head hurt, he couldn’t remember anything. Bucky panicked, trashing, trying to scream out but his voice wasn’t cooperating. A nurse rushed in and murmured softly as she slipped him a sedative.  
Bucky woke up again, feeling lightheaded. The clock said it was early morning. The crash. It all came back to him in a rush. Bucky sat up too quickly and blood rushed to his head. He couldn’t breathe, he was drowning again. Bucky threw himself out of bed, landing on his hands and knees on the floor. He ran to the bathroom, knocking into a wall before grasping the door handle. Bucky heaved into the toilet, taking big breaths as his vision spotted. He passed out again on the bathroom floor. 

When Bucky woke up for a third time, he found himself back in the hospital bed. His eyes opened to the bright sunrays this time stretching towards the bed. Bucky could feel them lowly warming his cold toes. Bucky tensed as someone took his hand. He whipped around to find Steve staring at him, his beautiful blue eyes boring into Bucky’s.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked. Bucky did not know how to answer that. He lost his mother, his best friend and his arm. God his arm! Bucky quickly looked down.

“What the hell?” Bucky look to Steve who avoided his eyes. “Steve?” 

“You have been in and out of consciousness for nine days” he said, studying me. “You were dying Bucky. Your arm had become infected and you had lost so much blood.” Steve looked down. “We had a family friend. Doctor Erskine. He helped me when I was younger. I begged Phillips to let Erskine save you but there was a price.” Bucky studied Steve, who suddenly looked so guilty.

“What was the price?” Bucky asked coldly. Steve flinched at his tone and Bucky felt a little bad but then he looked at his arm.

“Doctor Erskine was working with the military. He was an experimental scientist I suppose. They saved another man’s life with their experimental serum. It saved him, made him better, stronger. Howard Stark was supposed to be taking the last of the serum to a secret location when he crashed. He and the serum plus a part of another project went up in flames.”

“I don’t see what any of this has to do with me” Bucky interrupted.

“Hold on. Anyway, Erskine tried to remake it but so far it has failed. A few years before Howard died, Erskine and a German scientist named Arnim Zola were working on a new experiment called project winter soldier. If they succeed, it would mean no more men needed as soldiers. No more unnecessary death. They basically created super powered robots. Unfortunately the robots were made out of vibranium, which is very rare and you probably guessed that was the part of another project that was destroyed with Stark.” Bucky sighed.

“And this has what to do with me?”

“Yeah, I’m just getting to that. In order to save you, I had to agree for you to be a volunteer for project Winter Soldier. The serum was volatile and when the first subject died, no one wanted to volunteer again. You were a last ditch effort for the project. The last of the serum and vibranium was used to save you.” Bucky looked down at gleaming metal arm attached to his shoulder.

“So you used me as an experiment?” Steve was hunched over on his seat. “How the hell did you think you could do that? That I would ever agree to that?”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t want you to die” Steve said helplessly.

“That wasn’t your choice” Bucky hissed. “I would have never agreed to this. No one should be an experiment! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be forced into something against you will? To be someone’s experiment?! Of course you don’t! You’re the goddamn prince of America! No one would do this to you!” Steve jumped out of his seat, his eyes ablaze.

“Actually I do. I know exactly how it feels to be an experiment. To wake up suddenly, when you’re supposed to be dead and feel like there is something terribly wrong.” Bucky shrunk back at his anger and Steve deflated. “Sorry” he muttered, sitting back down. Bucky sighed.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you but Steve, I was fine with being dead. My mother and best friend are gone. I’m all alone.” Steve grabbed his hand – not the metal one- squeezing tightly.

“You’re not alone. You are never alone as long as you have me.”

“How were-“ Bucky hesitated. “How did they you know?”

“Experiment on me?” Steve finished. Bucky nodded slowly.

“Er, I didn’t always look like this. I used to be this tiny, sickly weakling. The doctors said I wouldn’t live to see eighteen. Of course I really didn’t help myself. I got into a lot of fights, never one any. Came home to Ma, covered in cuts and bruises, sometimes even with broken bones. I was a ninety pound asthmatic running around getting into fights” Steve chuckled.  
“About a year after Ma married Phillips I got sick, really sick. The doctor said there was nothing he could time, it was only a matter of time. My ma wouldn’t accept that. She begged Phillips for anything, to do something. So to save me, Erskine and Howard injected me with their serum. It hurt. A lot. It felt like someone had lit my insides on fire, like every nerve ending was burning. When I woke up, I was like this.  
My mother and Phillips had agreed to use an experimental serum in order to save me. I was mad for a long time but I got over it. I could see how much it destroyed my ma to do that to me. I would do anything to save those I love so I couldn’t really expect them not to want the same for me.” Bucky stayed silent, taking all that in.

“Why me? He said finally. “Why would you want to save me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Steve said, looking at me so intensely, Bucky felt he was staring into the depths of his soul. “I like you, a lot, you’re different. You’re not afraid to tell me what you think. You’re not careful around me. You act like I am a human. Quite frankly you’re gorgeous as well.” Bucky went bright red.

“Oh” Bucky wasn’t sure what to say to that. 

“Well, I will let you get some rest. Are you sure you’re ok?” Bucky tried lifting the arm. It didn’t move. But his fingers wiggled slightly.

“It might take some getting used to”

“I’ll send Erskine in. He will be able to help you with movement and functions I think.” Bucky nodded.

Steve hesitated in the doorway. “I am sorry about your mother” he said, “she sounded like an amazing woman.” 

Bucky smiled sadly. “She was” he replied. Steve gave him a weak smile and closed the door. Bucky didn’t cry this time, instead he lay down with a blank expression. Nat taught him that. When Pierce was drunk and looking for an argument, Nat taught him to throw up a wall to block out my emotions from showing. Showing pain was a weakness to Pierce and weaknesses weren’t tolerated. Someone knocked on the door.

“Come in” Bucky called, his throat dry. A small, grey man trotted in carrying a plate of food.

“Hello Mr Barnes. My name is Abraham Erskine. Did Steven tell you about me?” Bucky nodded, warily. “Good. I thought you might like some food and water.” Bucky gulped the water gratefully.

“So, I assume by now you know of your surgery and new limb.” Bucky nodded, trying to stop himself from glaring at the man. He didn’t seem like a bad person but you can never read a book by its cover.

“Will I be able to move it? I mean it's metal, it should be heavy.” Erskine smiled.

“Ah that is the beauty of my model and vibranium, did young Steven tell you about that?” Bucky swallowed his food and nodded.

“Yeah, he told me about all that and how you saved his life with that volatile serum stuff and you, an Arnim Zola and Howard Stark.” Erskine looked surprised.

“Really? He told you about his serum? He hasn’t even told his mother what that was like. That boy is doing great things for his country.” Bucky frowned.

“Anyway. The beauty of vibranium is that is it incredibly light and manoeuvrable so once the sedative wears off. I will switch on the arm and you will have complete control over functionality.”

“Uh switch on? Meaning you can control it?”

“Oh no dear boy of course not. It has to be manually switched on. This here is a service panel” he said pointing to a spot above his elbow. “It opens up and any repairs can be done through the wiring in there.” Bucky flicked at the small elevated piece of metal. It flipped open.

“Oh” Erskine shook his head and closed the panel.

“The arm has an internal cooling system so it will not heat up in the sun. The plates will shift to let any air out and to remodulate to your movements. SO don’t be alarmed when they shift suddenly. Also, we gave you a version of the serum but it doesn’t seem to have had any effect but let me know if any strange happens” Bucky nodded, his eyes wide. “Are you ok?” Erskine asked when Bucky paled.

“Yeah sorry. This is just a lot to take in.” Erskine patted his arm and Bucky jumped when the plates shifted suddenly at his touch.

“Well I shall leave you to your rest then James.” Bucky flinched. 

“Uh please don’t call me James, just anything but James” Erskine looked confused but nodded. “Sorry just my friend used to call me that but she’s gone now.” Bucky felt tears welling up. Erskine looked even more confused.

“Did Steven not tell you?” Bucky narrowed his eyes.

“Tell me what?”

“Mr Barnes, Miss Romanov is still alive. They found her on a bank a few metres from the crash.” Bucky shuddered. His knees gave out and he sunk to the floor.

“What?” he whispered.

“She’s alive, she is badly injured but alive. Would you like to see her?” Bucky nodded so fast, his neck cracked.

“Yes!” He cleared his throat. “Yes I would like that very much.” Erskine nodded.

“Follow me then” Bucky stood, swaying a bit with the arm. Erskine held arm out and helped Bucky roll his shoulder. The arm whirred and the shimmered in the light as the plates shifted then fitted back together like a puzzle. Bucky clenched his fist then relaxed. He had a metal arm. He was part robot now. Bucky couldn’t help that little bit of self-disgust in his stomach. He watched the silver fingers move one by one, then his wrist, then his elbow. In a few second, it was working like a normal arm, well as normally as it could. A nurse peeked around the door and Bucky quickly pulled down his sleeve.

“Excuse me, but Miss Romanov has requested your presence Mister Barnes. I shall take you there if you wish” Bucky grinned and practically skipped out the door.

Bucky followed the nurse down hallway after hallway, Erskine trailing behind them. Ma loved being in here, helping save people. She was a bright person that no one could be sad around which was perfect for a hospital. Bucky’s blinked back tears furiously. He had to stay strong, he still had Nat. Bucky realised the nurse had asked a question, he snapped myself out of his reverie.

“Pardon?” 

“I saw His Highness. He was waiting until you woke, is he a friend?” she repeated 

“More of an acquaintance really” Bucky answered, though not so sure himself.

“An acquaintance you say, I don’t think the Prince of America, waits for hours in a hospital for an acquaintance”

“I suppose not” Bucky said with a glare, wishing she would shut up. No such luck.

“In fact, he seemed very fond of you. He was the one that found you passed out in the bathroom you know? He carried you back to bed and tucked you in. I thought it was very cute”

“Oh look we are here” Erskine interrupted. Bucky shot him a grateful smile and entered Nat’s room rubbing his temples to dispel the headache forming.

“Nat” Bucky said softly stroking her forehead. “Nat honey I’m here”. Her eyelids flickered opened. 

“Yasha? Yasha I am so sorry, your ma, I tried to pull them out, but I couldn’t the current”

“Shhh shhh, it’s ok, I’m just glad that you’re feeling better.” She smiled up at me. Bucky couldn’t help but smile back. He leaned down and hugged her. Nat put her arm around his shoulder squeezing him back before gasping.

“Your arm! God James, what happened?” Bucky pulled back and stroked her face. She was crying. “Nat, everything is going to be fine, don’t cry. I lost my arm but its fine they gave me a new one. It’s metal but it works like an arm I suppose.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah. It’s disgusting isn’t it?” Nat look horrified.

“No! It’s good. You look dangerous and badass” she said with a small grin then sobered. “Mother and Father came to see me. They looked so worried and I thought maybe this time they cared.” Nat stopped and drew in a breath. “But they didn’t. They started yelling at each other about whose fault it was that I was stuck in here. That word would get out and they would be ruined. Then I started yelling and a nurse had to call security to escort them out.” She hid in my shoulder. God her parents were so self-scented, she nearly died and they couldn’t stop arguing for one minute too comfort her. 

“Oh Talia I am so sorry” she smiled but started coughing. Bucky rubbed her back as she leaned over the edge of the bed, heaving. He handed her a glass of water.

“Are you sure you’re ok?

“Don’t worry about it, I am just glad that you are here.” Bucky smiled.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else” 

“Hmm. I heard the nurses saying the Prince was here constantly visiting a young male. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you?” Bucky flushed.

“No why would I?” he said sharply. Nat giggled.

“Bozhe moi! You saw him didn’t you?” Bucky scowled grumpily.

“Oh don’t be mad, I-I” She stopped suddenly, lifting a hand to her mouth. 

“Nat? What’s wrong?” She lifted her hand to the light, blood covered the tips of her fingers. “Nat?” She started heaving, her whole body jerking. Blood spilled out of her mouth. “Nat!” Bucky hit the alarm and a nurse came running in. She took in the scene then turned on her heel shouting down the hallway. Nat wouldn’t stop shaking. Blood ran from her mouth and the bandage covering her stomach was soaked with red; she was in shock. Bucky yelled, doctors and nurses came rushing in. They pushed him out of the way talking to each using words he didn’t understand. 

“Bleeding internally” he heard one doctor say. 

“Blocked airway” Another said. 

“Someone stop the bleeding!”

One of the nurses saw Bucky and pushed him out the door. “Let us do our work, don’t worry.” The life support machine started beeping,  
“She’s going into cardiac arrest!” a doctor yelled. Bucky watched through the glass screen. Nat wouldn’t stop convulsing. The doctors couldn’t stop the bleeding without stitching up the wound and Nat was shaking so hard that stitching became impossible. 

“She’s going to be ok, we are going to be ok” Bucky chanted. The doctors were still yelling at each other.

“Paddles! Now!” The blood pouring from her mouth and nose turned black. Bucky started screaming her name. The doctors kept pumping her chest and testing her breathing. “Nat! Wake up, please don’t leave me, please” He yelled the words as if she could hear him. The doctors stopped and stood motionless. 

“I’m calling it” one said.

“Nyet nyet, vy ne mozhete! Natalia!” One of the nurses came out and grabbed my shoulders.

“Sir please, I am sorry but she is gone, there is nothing to be done.” Bucky screamed obscenities in Russian. Cursing the doctors and nurses. 

“Nyet! Ya nenavizhu vsekh vas! Ty pozwolil yey umeret. Poshel na khuy, ya ub'yu tebya” A nurse grabbed my arms. 

“Please come back, please, you can’t leave me here” Bucky screamed, hitting the floor. How was he supposed to live when the two people he cared for most were gone? Bucky could never see them again. Never see Nat dance, his mother smile. His heart felt like it was being slowly, painfully ripped from his chest. A doctor burst through the doors. When she came towards Bucky, he swung out at her. She jumped back with a cry, and picked up a needle from the tray. The working part of Bucky’s brain told him he had crossed the line into hysteria and the needle slipping into his flesh arm was the last thing he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russian Translations: My Russian is not great  
> Nyet nyet, vy ne mozhete! - no no, you can't!  
> Net, ya vas vsekh nenavizhu! Ty pozvolil yey umeret'! Poshel na khuy, ya ub'yu tebya - No, I hate you all! You let her die! Fuck you, I'll fucking kill you!


	3. Rusted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is any mistakes, please let me know.

The first thing Bucky was aware of someone talking to him quietly. He turned over and blinked, washing away the receding blackness behind his eyelids. Two ocean blue eyes were staring back at him.

“What happened?” 

“You were hysteric Bucky. The doctor gave you a sedative. You’ve been out for two days.”

“Natalia?” Bucky asked, dreading the answer.

“She’s, well, I’m so sorry.” Steve said, helplessly. More tears came streaming down Bucky’s cheeks, blurring his vision. He hated this. What did he do to deserve any of this? To have everyone he cared ripped away. Bucky felt Steve sit on the bed. He felt Steve’s hands on his arms, the metal one included. Bucky sobbed and threw himself into Steve’s arms. He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder as he cried. He felt Steve stroking his hair. Bucky fisted his hands in Steve’s shirt. When Bucky became brave enough to leave Steve’s now tear stained shirt sleeve, it was to search for any sign of food.

“Do you need something?” Steve asked, stroking his cheek. Bucky stilled, his warm thumb pressing against Bucky’s cheek sent shivers down his body. 

“A little food would be nice if that’s ok” Bucky asked quietly.

“Of course” Steve said. “I will be right back” he moved towards the door.

“Thank you, your Highness” Bucky said timidly, “for everything.”

“Please my dear, I told you to call me Steve”. Steve came back a half hour later with a silver tray. “What’s this” Bucky asked.

“Well, I went to the cafeteria but their food did not look to appealing so I got one of the chefs from the palace to bring some edible food from the kitchens” Bucky lifted the lid and gasped. It looked gorgeous, there was a meat pie, its mushroom sauce spilling through the lid, brie melting over turkey, and a stewed apple doused in brown sugar and brandy and roasted tomatoes shining like rubies. It was probably the most mouth- watering food Bucky had ever seen, even better than Na- No. Bucky cut himself off. He wasn’t going back down that road.

“This looks delicious, thank you”

“No problem.” Steve shifted in his seat. “I didn’t want to bring this up yet, but seeing as how you are recovering from you injury quite well, where will you go?” he asked, giving me a sideways glance. Bucky had no idea. He hadn’t thought about it or didn’t want to think about going back to the house full of memories. Of Pierce mostly but also his mother. But he had nowhere else.

“I don’t know, I guess back to my house” Bucky said shivering at the thought.

“Well, may I accompany you?” 

“Yes, if you’d like” Bucky said, giving him a small smile. It was the best he had without bursting into tears. He suspected Steve knew that.

“Would you like to come to the royal midsummer’s ball in ten weeks?” Bucky dropped his fork. 

“You’re asking me? But I’m not allowed” Only the rich, royals and a few special upper class citizens were allowed to palace balls.

“Well let’s not tell them” he replied with a sly smile, “Please come” he said walking out the door, leaving Bucky in silence, confused, sad and a little excited. No, this wasn’t the time for love. He wasn’t going to risk losing anyone else.

Six weeks later, Bucky was allowed to leave the hospital, which he was so very glad about. There is only so much a person could take of those white walls, and the smell of disinfectant in every room. Steve solved the problem of food. He came almost every day with food or sent someone else when he couldn’t. Bucky felt like he should say no but he was tired, grieving and the food was so much better than the crap the hospital cafeteria serve.   
Steve didn’t mention the ball again, and Bucky guessed Steve did not want to push him. They talked about everything else though. Bucky told him more about himself than he had ever told anyone apart from Nat. Bucky had even told Steve about the crash. What he felt, that he was angry, that he felt guilty and all alone. Bucky would get emotional, start sobbing uncontrollably or start raging at Steve. Yelling that it was his fault that even wasn’t even fully human anymore, he was an experiment. Steve just sat through it all. Holding him when he cried and when he finished yelling and ended up muttering apologies into Steve’s chest.   
There was something very earnest and trusting to Steve. Bucky felt much better after talking to Steve than he did talking to his newly appointed therapist. And Bucky knew that even though they had only known each other for two weeks, Steve may have somehow become Bucky’s new reason to live. And that was dangerous.   
Steve shifted in his chair. He had come in to take Bucky home and now he was just wriggling nervously.

 

“Buck, I was wondering if I might see-

 

“Excuse me Mr Barnes” the nurse said as she came through the door, cutting of his sentence. “If you could sign these, you may go” Bucky signed the papers with his usual messy flourish. 

 

“Thank you, you may leave at any time, just let the front desk know”

 

“All right, Thank you” Bucky said but she was already out the door. 

 

“Sorry Steve, please continue”

 

“I was just, well I wanted” he cleared his throat. “I was wondering if I might see you more when you leave.”

 

Bucky smiled at his obvious nervousness. “Yes, I-I would like that” he replied. They could be friends. It didn’t have to go further than that right? Steve looked relieved.

 

“Good, good. May I walk you out?” 

 

“Of course, just let me get dressed” Bucky said, making his way to the bathroom. Steve pulled open the door and left. 

 

“God, what am I getting myself into” Bucky muttered to himself. Bucky knew he shouldn’t encourage this. If Phillips ever found out, Bucky could lose everything. Well, you already have lost everything, haven’t you? That dark voice in the back of his mind said sweetly. He really only had his house but that was all he had. Bucky needed to be able to get a job and apply for classes. Being on Phillips’ bad side would ruin his life even more. But at the same time Bucky couldn’t bring himself to stay away from Steve.   
Steve was like the sun. Everybody gravitated around him and if Steve was the sun then Bucky was a black hole. Pulling everything into his dark pit of misery. Bucky pulled on some jeans and a red Henley that Steve had bought for him. He had no idea how Steve knew his size and by the feel of the jeans, Bucky guessed they weren’t cheap. At least by Bucky’s standards. But when Bucky said to Steve that he didn’t need to do this for him, Steve got this look like Bucky had kicked a puppy. Steve probably didn’t even realise he was doing it but it worked. Bucky grudgingly allowed Steve to help him.   
Bucky stared at himself in the mirror. His face was extremely pale and pulled taut like a string and he was thin as well. He was eating at first but his appetite had decreased immensely over the last few weeks. Anytime Steve pushed him to eat more, Bucky ended up heaving into the toilet when Steve was gone.  
Bucky had a jaggered scar across his shoulder where metal met flesh. The bruises on his stomach were no longer black instead yellowed and the small cuts from ice on his face were almost completely invisible. Really, he got off easy compared to the rest of his family.   
The pain of losing Nat and his mother had dulled over the past month. Bucky couldn’t pretend Pierce being gone wasn’t a relief but he wished his mother could share his relief with him. It still hurt when he thought about them, so he ignored it. He could almost pretend it never happened if not for the arm.  
Bucky brushed his hair from his eyes. It had grown a lot and now rested just below his ears instead of the short cut he usually sported. Bucky pulled down the left sleeve of his shirt so the metal was covered. His fingers were still visible so Bucky pulled on some gloves as well.


	4. Rassvet

Steve was waiting at the front desk when he walked out of the room that he had occupied for two months. He seemed to just be chatting to the doctors but one nurse and the receptionist kept blushing. Bucky wasn’t sure if Steve was flirting or the nurses were just star struck. But he wasn’t jealous. Bucky did not care if someone else made Steve laugh and he certainly did not care if Steve was flirting with others. Steve turned and spotted him, lurking in the doorway.

“Bucky! You ready?” Bucky nodded and kept his head down as he walked to the front desk. The nurse talking to Steve handed him a pen to sign his release forms.

“I called to the front for us” Steve said, excusing himself from the female doctors and nurses crowding around him. The nurse who handed him his forms stared not very subtly at Steve.

“Do you mind if we grab some food?” Bucky asked innocently.

“Sure. Wherever you want to eat is fine” The nurse glowered at Bucky and he smirked inwardly. But that didn’t mean anything. Steve was just his friend. Really. Bucky was also not grinning when he walked out of the reception with Steve’s hand on the small of his back. 

As soon as Bucky stepped outside, the glare of the sun blinded him. Bucky staggered. Steve’s arms went around him, catching him before he hit the ground.

“Are you all right, do you need to go back inside?” Steve asked, staring down at him.

“No no I am fine. Just not used to the sun” Steve looked unsure but called the driver over.

“You didn’t have to do that. I can walk home” Bucky said. Feeling a little guilty now that he was out of the hospital.

“Nonsense, you just left the hospital and you want to walk home by yourself. An incredibly beautiful young man anyone could take advantage of that. Absolutely not.” Bucky smiled to himself delightedly. God, Steve would be so easy to love he thought, then frowned. Where did that come from?

Bucky did not let Steve drive him all the way to his house. They stopped for takeaway quickly, save someone notice them. So about 3 blocks away, Bucky asked him to pull the car over. 

“Are you sure this is your stop?” 

“Yes, my house is just behind that tree line.” Which was half true. It was behind those trees just a few blocks over. “Well thank you for driving and for the food and saving my life twice” Bucky said, awkwardly standing on the curb.

“It was my pleasure” Steve said, genuinely.

“And for everything you did for me in the hospital. You didn’t have to but you did and it- it meant a lot to me”

“Of course Buck. You’re my friend. I told you things I haven’t told anyone so you’re probably my best friend.” Bucky stared in amazement.

“Really” The corner of Steve’s lips lifted in amusement.

“Yes Buck” Bucky smiled happily. He wasn’t sure yet if he could call Steve his best friend because only Nat had ever held that title. But Steve was his friend at least and Bucky was very glad of that.

“Please consider the ball” 

Bucky gave him a small smile. “I will think about it” he replied.

“That is all I can ask” Steve jumped out of the car and pulled me into a hug. 

“If you ever need anything, anything at all. Give me a call” he said pressing a bit of paper into Bucky’s hand. Bucky stood on the pavement for a moment. Steve had no idea where he lived so if Bucky didn’t call then he would probably never see Steve again. Unless he went to the ball. Bucky scoffed at that thought. 

Bucky was not attacked in the three block walk, though being the slums he was sure most of the people he saw were drunks, drug addicts or something of the like. He played the scenario of turning up at the ball over and over in his head. Steve would be happy if he went, and he don’t think anyone would recognise him. Just if anyone wanted information on Steve’s personal guest, then that wouldn’t be too hard and they would be in a lot of trouble with the king.  
Bucky stopped at the looming darkness of his door. He took a deep breath. It was just a house, he could do this. He sighed and pushed open the door. The living room smelled like it always did, of cigarette smoke and laundry powder. His mom’s jacket hung on the coat rack and Bucky’s running shoes still covered in mud. Pierce must have moved his coat. He didn’t bother going into the kitchen. That was his mums place. Bucky headed to the bedrooms. His mums and Pierce’s was the first in the hall.  
The bed was unmade and cupboards still open from that day. Bucky sniffled and stepped inside. He could see his mums vanity covered in makeup and jewellery. Her shoes lined up next to the cupboards and her pillows on the floor. Bucky slowly bent down and placed them back on the bed. He walked over to the cupboard and frowned. His mother’s clothes were still folded and hung but Pierce’s side was empty. No suits, no shirts, no pants, no shoes. Maybe he hadn’t unpacked his bags when he had come home. Bucky hadn’t seen any suitcases but he could’ve left them somewhere else to be delivered. But there should be something in the cupboard, a shirt, a hairbrush something.  
Bucky sighed. His head hurt and his legs ached. He wanted his mom. Bucky pulled out one of his mom’s old shirts and sank to the floor holding it tightly. Bucky had never wanted his mother more now that she was gone. Bucky cried into her shirt, breathing in her scent before falling asleep imagining her next to him.  
Bucky woke up to a loud knocking on his door. He sighed and pulled himself up. He carefully folder the shirt and placed it back on the shelf. The knocking sounded again, harder this time.

“Yeah yeah I’m coming” Bucky grumbled under his breath. He jogged to the door and yanked it open.

“Can I help you?” He said to the man standing there with false politeness.

“Yeah, I’m Peter Parker, landlord’s son. Sorry man but I have to give you your final notice. I know you’ve had it tough recently but you haven’t paid in weeks and my family does need the money.” The guy, Peter did look remorseful at least. Bucky sighed.

“How long do I have?”

“You have to pay two months missed rent by the end of the next week” Parker answered sympathetically.

“Seriously? Even when I was in hospital?”

“Yeah, sorry. Technically you were still renting the place even when you were in hospital”

“Yeah alright thanks” Parker smiled apologetically and left. Bucky sighed again and shut the door. Bucky sat on the couch and turned on the tv brainstorming ideas. Geez how was he going to get two month’s rent by next Sunday and pay his hospital bills. God it was Tuesday already and needed like $2000. He needed a job. Tomorrow he would go out and get 10 jobs if need be.  
“Captain America is among the truest of superheroes. He was born out of something very real and immediate. We were on the cusp of war and he stood as an answer to the fears of many American children.”  
Bucky turned to the TV as John Cassaday spoke. Captain America had first appeared right after the first attack on the royal family by Hydra. No one knew who he was or where he came from. He was fast, strong and an excellent fighter with both weapons and hand to hand.  
“Captain America has become a beacon of nobility, steadfastness, and self-sacrifice. He, unlike some, represents the true best that the country, and the human race, has to offer and it has nothing to do with what powers he has. As we approach the Fourth of July, America’s birthday, I think it’s important to look at the this hero or what some are trying to name a ‘vigilante’ who best exemplifies what this nation was built on” Billy Corgan agreed. Bucky personally wasn’t sure if they could trust someone with a secret identity and for all anyone knows a secret agenda as well. But he supposed the guy was risking his life and saving a lot of people in the process. But still, vigilante made sense.


	5. Benign

One and a half weeks later, and Bucky was working three jobs five times a week plus few weekend hours. He had saved enough to pay for one month’s rent but he still needed another $300 for rent and more for hospital bills. Bucky groaned from where he was cleaning tables. He had no idea what he was going to do. He was eighteen. He had graduated high school barely, didn’t have enough money for college, worked three jobs and was about to lose his house. Bucky knew his mom had some hidden cash around the house plus his own but when he looked it was gone. Either someone had robbed the place and somehow found his hidey hole or Pierce had somehow found out.  
Bucky would’ve thought Pierce had some money stashed away somewhere but there was nothing. The gun Bucky had hidden under the floor boards in his room was still there but there was no sign that Pierce had ever lived in that house apart from a few old beers in the fridge and cigarette butts in the bin. It was like he’d never existed. Pierce is dead. He’s not coming back, Bucky told himself. That was what the gun was for. Bucky’s mum had found it in Pierce’s office and in her fright asked Bucky to hide it. Pierce noticed its disappearance and neither he nor his mom had been able to leave the house that day. But Bucky always kept it. Just in case. All their hidey holes and none had any money left in them.  
Bucky had applied for a job at this 5 star Italian restaurant purely because he could and not because he thought they would actually accept him. But the manager had been sympathetic to his situation and Bucky spoke Italian so she agreed to take him on. It was a better wage than other restaurants because it was more posh but it still wasn’t enough to pay his debts.  
A familiar laugh drew Bucky out of his financial anxiety. He froze where he was setting a table. Steve just sat down near the window. Everyone in the restaurant stared for a second before going back to their meals and whispering. With Steve was a shorter, brown man, a strawberry- blonde woman on the arm of someone who looked a lot like Howard Stark. Bucky assumed it was his son, Tony. Bucky hurried back to the kitchen, knocking over another waiter as he went. He heard the man curse as he dropped several pieces of cutlery on the ground but he didn’t look back.

“Ah James, would you mind looking after Mr Stark and his guests?” His manager, Jane Foster asked. Who Bucky found out had started dating Odinson’s eldest, Thor.

“No no please not that table. I’ll take any other table but theirs” Bucky begged. He was not ready for Steve to see him yet seeing as how he hadn’t called and it had been almost two weeks. And you know, waiting on your friend that had to be awkward. Jane frowned but waved another waiter over.

“Darcy, swap tables with James please” 

“Sure thing! I can’t believe I get to wait on Tony Stark and Steven Rogers. Dude this is so cool” Darcy mock-whispered. Jane rolled her eyes.

“Hurry up Lewis”

“Yes sir” Darcy saluted and moved away.

“Thank you, Jane” Bucky breathed.

“Yes yes. You can’t avoid him forever, you know” Bucky glared.

“Hey! I didn’t tell you about me and Steve so you could lecture me.” Jane just waved him away, already moving off to yell at some poor chef who dropped a pan. For someone so tiny, Jane could be terrifying. Maybe that’s why so works so well with Thor because that man is huge, Bucky mused to himself. He carefully avoided Steve’s table all night, making sure to stay out of sight as he went back and forth between the kitchen and his table. Thankfully Stark didn’t stay long and soon enough Steve called for their cheque after waving away Stark’s protests. Bucky listened in as Darcy went to grab his receipt. 

“I’ve got this one Tony. You pay for most of them anyway.”

“Yeah because I’m rich. I can afford to pay for them all. Hell, I can afford to pay for everyone in this town.” Steve glared.

“You shouldn’t have to pay for your own meal on your birthday Tony. And it’s not like I can’t afford to pay myself.” Stark grumbled but backed off. The woman, Pepper Potts Bucky noticed now, Stark’s wife patted his arm soothingly with an exasperated but fond smile. Darcy poked his shoulder.

“Hey dude. He left this for you” Bucky frowned as she handed him a slip of paper.

“Who did?” Darcy jerked her thumb in Steve’s direction. Bucky opened the paper and groaned in embarrassment. ‘See you next time. Steve’.

“Aw jeez. I didn’t think he could see me.”

“Maybe when you practically ran away from his table he noticed” Darcy said as she pointed to the bottom of the paper. Bucky chuckled. ‘Running really? I’m hurt’ Steve had stuck a smiley face on the end so Bucky knew he was joking. He had been deliberating calling Steve for a few days. He could never figure out why he didn’t just pick up the phone. Maybe this was a sign he should.

Bucky paced the kitchen.

“Ok so what if this is a bad idea. Steve wants to see you, who cares that if someone found out this could ruin your life” Bucky said aloud then groaned. Steve seemed to think they could hide it, though Bucky got the impression that Steve really didn’t care if anybody knew. Easy for him to say, he’d probably just get a slap on the hand. Bucky sighed and grabbed the phone.

“Well here goes nothing” and dialled.

“Hello, Steve Rogers” Jesus the guy was so formal.

“Hey Steve it’s Bucky”

“Oh hey Buck, how are you?” Bucky could practically the happiness oozing out of him.

“Good better I think. No one has noticed the arm yet which is good.” Steve sighed.

“Bucky that arm is a part of you. It’s yours. No one will care” Bucky chuckled darkly.

“Yeah sure. A guy from the slums who lost his arm and now has a metal arm to replace it. People will love me” Steve was silent and Bucky immediately felt bad.

“Sorry”

“No, it’s ok. You are entitled to your feelings. Anyway, do you want to go for lunch or something? I haven’t seen you since you practically fled the restaurant to get away from me” Steve said in amusement. Bucky laughed nervously.

“Yeah sorry about that but sure, where do you want to go?”

“I’ll pick you up at noon”

“Wait, pick me up?” But Steve hung up, leaving him no time to say no. “Ok see you then” Bucky said sarcastically. Well at least he finally picked up the phone.  
Bucky sighed, grabbed a glass of water and threw himself on the couch. Maybe he should start looking for another apartment, a cheaper one. Bucky turned over and his sleeve rolled up. He stared at the silver arm. Steve was wrong. This arm wasn’t apart of him, it was just a reminder of everything he’d lost. He tugged his shirt back down and pulled on a glove so he didn’t have to look at it.  
It was rare that Bucky was at home with just his thoughts. Working three jobs each week didn’t leave much time for relaxing and that Bucky was glad for. When he was alone his mind wandered to a bad place. He didn’t want, didn’t need to remember the crash.  
Sometimes at night when he lay in his bed, he wished Steve hadn’t saved him. Wished he was with his mom and Nat wherever they were. Bucky massaged his temples. The stress was getting to him. He knew that he wasn’t going to make rent by Sunday. Steve would probably help if Bucky asked but that was exactly why he couldn’t. Steve had done so much for him and Bucky had nothing to give in return.  
Bucky watched the ceiling fan go around and around. The car wheels did that. Bucky remembered them spinning on their side as the car sunk into the river. He remembered his mother scream and Nat’s cold hand gripping his in silent fear. He remembered the colour of the blood spilling from Natalia’s mouth as he watched her die. If there was a god, he sure as hell hated Bucky. The sound of a glass smashing interrupted Bucky’s self-hate. He forced open his metal fingers and watched the sharp pieces fall to the floor. Wow. He didn’t know the arm was that strong.

“Need to be careful with my grip” Bucky muttered to himself. He checked the clock. Steve would be here soon. Bucky ignored the glass and grabbed his jacket, accidentally knocking over the stand. Bucky cursed as a hanger broke off. He pulled it upright and grabbed the coat that had fallen as well. The slight smell of flowers and cinnamon hit him. 

“Mom” he whispered. He looked down at the coat. It was her favourite. Bucky had saved up for weeks before Christmas when he saw her staring at it longing in a store window. It wasn’t cheap but it was worth it to see the bright smile that had long vacated his mother’s face when she married Pierce. She wore it everywhere she could. Bucky inhaled deeply, savouring the scent. God, he missed her, so much. 

“Buck? You in there?” How long had Steve been knocking. He fixed a smile upon his face and opened the door. Steve frowned as soon as he saw Bucky.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky’s smile faltered.

“What do you mean?” Steve lightly touched his cheek.

“Your eyes are red and puffy and your jacket is inside out” Bucky grimaced and went to fix his jacket only to find his mom’s coat still in his hands. His smile immediately disappeared. God, he needed to get rid of it. He needed to get rid of all of it.

“Buck?”

“I’ve got to get rid of it” Steve stepped forward in concern which just made Bucky back away.

“Get rid of what?”

“Her stuff. All of it. It all must go. I can’t look at it anymore” Bucky said hurriedly.

“Bucky you’re upset. You’re not thinking straight”

“No! It must go. I can’t do it anymore. I have to get away, I should move.” Steve grabbed his arms. Bucky was openly crying now.

“Bucky! Calm down. I’m right here ok?” Steve pulled him forward and Bucky gladly fell into his open arms.

“Shh Buck. It’s alright” Steve said soothingly, running his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “Let’s go inside shall we?” Bucky nodded distantly, letting Steve guide him to the couch. He saw Steve frown at the broken glass but ignored it in favour of lying Bucky down.

“Hey. I’ll just get you some water and clean up this glass ok?” Bucky just stared ahead, out the window. He must have fallen asleep at some point because when he woke it was darker. Bucky pushed off the blanket that Steve must have covered him with. It was 3 o’clock. He had slept for three hours. The broken glass was gone and the lounge room was quiet so Bucky headed to the kitchen. Steve was sitting at table on his phone. A very nice phone too, Bucky noted.

“Hey, how you feeling?” Steve asked when he stumbled into the room.

“Uh better thanks. Did you clean up in here?” Steve blushed lightly.

“Yeah sorry. It’s a disease. I’m a very organised person.”

“I see that” Bucky said drily, looking around his sparkling clean kitchen. “Uh sorry about before. I didn’t mean for you to see that” Steve leaned forward and placed his hand over Bucky’s.

“Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Bucky smiled uncertainly.

“I’m might go grab some food from the store” Steve said, standing up and stretching. Bucky avoided his eyes when he saw his shirt ride up a little. “You don’t have a lot of edible things in your fridge”

“Yeah. I’ve been really busy at work so I haven’t been home much”

“Is everything ok?”

“Oh, yeah it’s fine. Just working on paying my hospital bills that’s all” Bucky said. Very unconvincingly by the way Steve’s frown deepened. It was quite adorable the way his forehead scrunched up. Don’t go down that road Barnes, Bucky told himself.

“How about you keep resting and I grab some groceries. I can even grab something for dinner. Since we missed our lunch, do you mind me staying for dinner? I can cook.” Bucky nodded wordlessly. Entranced by the way Steve smiled, his whole face lit up. Steve patted his hair on his way past and Bucky watched the door for a few minutes after Steve disappeared. God, he was so screwed.


	6. Pech

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really behind on posting so there is probably going to be a lot of chapters all at once.

Steve left around eleven. Surprisingly they got on well, despite everything that’s happened between them. Steve made Bucky laugh and Bucky felt a glowing warmth whenever Steve was near. Four weeks past, Steve came over a lot, they talked and laughed and Bucky felt like the hole in his chest that his mother and Nat left behind was healing. Slowly but still mending.   
Steve softened the jagged edges of himself, he made Bucky want to be happy again. But Bucky should have known it wouldn’t never be that easy. He hadn’t let go if his pain so someday it would catch up to him. Despite his progress, he felt like every day he was one step closer to the edge of a cliff. One day he would wake and fall and when that day came maybe not even Steve could save him. He just didn’t expect that day to come so soon.

“James go home. You are making me feel tired just looking at you” Jane said pushing him away from the tables.

“I haven’t finished my shift” Bucky protested.

“You can finish early. I’ll still pay you your normal hours, just please go home”

“I don’t need charity” he snapped.

“It’s not charity for god’s sake. You are one of the best waiters I have. Everyone likes you. You deserve this”

“Fine. Sorry for snapping. I probably could use some more sleep.”

“Good, now go” Jane grabbed his coat and shoved him out. Bucky rubbed his eyes. It was nearly five, he ought to clean up his apartment for Steve. He sighed and handed his apron and cleaning rag to Jane.

“Thanks Jane” she smiled and waved him off. Bucky pushed his hair into a ponytail and headed down the street. It was still hot for five so he carried his jacket instead. The roads were mostly empty as most people were still finishing work, a few cars went past and a couple of people milled around the park as Bucky walked through.   
He loved this place. His mother used to take him here when he was little. Bucky stopped at the fountain and ran his fingers through the warm water feeling the small fish nibble at the tips. Bucky turned in surprise when he felt a small hand tug at his jacket. A little girl of about seven by the looks was staring intently at him. Bucky smiled.

“Hello there little one. Are you ok?” The girl frowned.

“What’s wrong with your arm?” Bucky froze. “Did you hurted it?”

“Ah yes I did. I had an accident and I got hurt.”

“Are better now?” The girl asked innocently. Bucky hesitated.

“Yes, I think so” The girl smiled radiantly.

“Cool! Can I touch it?” Bucky nodded dazedly.

“Wow! It moves!” She shrieked in excitement.

“Cassie come here!” A woman called. The girl, Cassie ran over.

“Mama did you see? He has a metal arm.” The woman looked over at him and hurriedly pulled her daughter away.

“Stay away from that man. He’s no good.” The woman whispered to her daughter. Cassie frowned. Bucky quickly pulled on his jacket, his face burning with shame. He absently wondered how he could hear their conversation from so far away.

“Why is he no good?”

“It’s his arm, he’s not human. He’s a freak.” Cassie bit her lip but nodded. Bucky felt tears pooling in his eyes and he rushed away.   
When he reached home he hurriedly opened the door and ran inside. He screamed and cried as he smashed a chair, throwing it across the room, breaking a vase as it went. Bucky jumped on his bed and buried his face in the sheets. The woman’s words ran through his head. ‘Not human, he’s a freak.’ Bucky furiously wiped his tears. He stormed into the kitchen and reached for a glass.   
He was shaking and the glass shattered as he squeezed it too tightly. Bucky growled and tried to calm down, gripping the benchtop. Steve was supposed to be here soon. Steve had promised him a movie night so he was bringing over tons of snacks and movies. He shook himself. He was looking forward to a night off. He had been working tirelessly the past two days but he still didn’t have enough for rent.   
Bucky sat down in the kitchen going over his bills. He could see nowhere where he could afford to pay a little late. He was still so frustrated he didn’t even notice that the arm had broken the table leg. So, he had abandoned the bills and flopped on his bed instead, shutting his eyes.   
Bucky saw his mom and Nat. They were smiling at him as he watched from across a shimmering lake, lined with deep brown reeds and swans that flew across the horizon slowing as their feet parted the water. They held their hands out. They were waiting for him.

“Come on James. Don’t you want to see us again?” Bucky stumbled forward reaching for Nat. She smiled. He turned to his mother. 

“My darling, I have missed you” Bucky smiled dreamily. Nat and his mother guided him forward towards the lake. Bucky ran his fingers through the reeds. A warm voice made him look up. His mother was singing. Oh, how he missed her voice. Nat pulled him down to the soft green grass and started braiding daisies in his hair. Bucky grinned. Nat used to love doing this, making daisy chains for his mother. A splash startled him. A swan was calmly sitting on the water just in front of him. Bucky reached out and touched the cool water. Bucky yelped and drew his fingers back. It was cold. Much too cold for a sunny day. It was almost like ice. Bucky reared back. Nat squeezed him fingers and Bucky stumbled back out of her grip. Nat was gone. Bucky remembered her squeezing his hand tightly in fear. His mother stood calmly and Bucky gasped as her smiling figure blurred.

“Bucky!” Bucky whipped around but there was no one there. 

“James, come with us” Bucky froze. His mother and Nat were waist deep in the lake.

“You can be happy again, sweetheart” Bucky screamed as his mother and Nat fell backwards and the lake turned black. He couldn’t see. Where were they?

“Bucky please!” Steve!

“Steve!” Bucky yelled. He looked down at his hands. A gun. Where did he get a gun? The sun disappeared and the sky turned grey and cold. Bucky shivered as he felt water seeping into his clothes. God no! He was in the car again. Bucky frantically tried to reach his seatbelt. He saw his mother knocked out opposite him and Nat trying to open the door. God, this was not happening again. Bucky panicked as the car completely submerged and the water reached his reach.

“Bucky no!” Steve! Bucky wanted to scream. But he had no air. He looked around. Where was his mother and Nat? Two hands grabbed him. 

“You did this!” Pierce screamed. “They’re dead because of you! Look at what you did!” Bucky turned to see his mother and Nat’s pale, lifeless bodies floating next to him.

“Bucky don’t do this” Bucky screamed and his vision went black.

“You’re ok! I promise you’ll be ok! Just put the gun down please!” Bucky frowned as his bedroom swan into view. Gun? He found Steve kneeling in a few metres in front of him.

“Please put it down Buck. Please?” Bucky frowned. This didn’t make sense. Why was he holding a gun to his head?

“You don’t need to do this. You are not alone” Oh, he remembered now. They were gone.

“Maybe I do” he whispered. “Maybe this is what’s best” Steve frantically shook his head.

“No, it’s not. This is never the answer”

“What do you know?” Bucky screamed. “Have you ever lost everyone you cared about?” Bucky flicked off the safety. “I lost everything! My family, my friend and now I don’t even have enough money to pay my bills so I am about to be kicked out of my home! My arm is made of metal and people think I’m a freak. I have nothing left. Nothing” Bucky’s voice diminished into a teary whisper.

“That’s not true” Steve was crying silently as well. “You have friends, people who care. I saw you at the restaurant. I know Jane and Thor very well and Darcy is impossible to hate. They care about you. And you have me. I care about you so much Bucky” Bucky hand shook. “I don’t want you to die” Steve whispered.

“I don’t know how to live without them” Bucky murmured. 

“They loved you. And they would want you to be happy. I know it’s hard. Losing my father was one of the worst things I had to go through and I didn’t think I could make it. But then I thought of all the things I would be leaving behind. My mom, my life, all the things I could still do. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will always miss your mother and Natalia but you can move on knowing you made them proud. I chose to believe everyone we lose is looking out for us. They will always be with you.” Steve crawled forward. Bucky trembled as Steve carefully pulled the gun from his grasp. He unloaded it and threw it away. Bucky sobbed loudly and Steve pulled him into his lap. Bucky curled into him, his whole body shaking with sobs.

“Shh. They will always love you and you will always love them. Nothing can take that away from you” Bucky just cried harder as Steve held him tightly.  
Bucky awoke when Steve slid an arm under his legs and yanked him into his chest. Bucky hid his face in Steve’s neck as he carried him to the bed. Steve pulled down the covers and lightly placed his head on the pillow. Bucky clutched on his sleeve as Steve made to leave.

“Please don’t go” Steve hesitated but nodded. Bucky moved over as he slid under the covers. Bucky sniffled and shuffled back under Steve’s arm. He was pathetic and embarrassed but Steve was here and he wasn’t leaving.


	7. Freight Car

Steve was running his fingers through Bucky’s hair when he woke. Bucky blinked blearily.

“Hey” 

“Hi” Bucky replied shyly.

“Do want to talk about last night?” Bucky looked down in shame. Steve gently lifted his chin.

“I’m sorry Steve, I’m so sorry. I know I’m a mess but I’ll try. I’ll try to be better, just please don’t be mad” Bucky begged.

“Hey” Steve covered his mouth. “I’m not mad I swear. I just want to know how it got to this point and why you didn’t tell me. I could’ve helped.” Bucky shook his head, eyes wide.

“I was scared. I thought if you knew how fucked up I really am, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“Of course I want to be your friend Bucky. Nothing can change that, no matter what you do or what anyone says. I will always be your friend.” Bucky smiled uncertainly.

“Now what happened yesterday?”

“There was this girl in the park” Bucky whispered. “She liked my arm and wanted to touch it. I let her but her mother called her away. She said her daughter should stay away from me. That I’m a freak and I’m not human.” Bucky shivered at the last part, crying silently again.

“Oh Bucky” Steve yanked him back into his lap. “Of course, you’re human.” Bucky shook his head.

“No, I’m not. She was right, I’m a freak. I have metal arm Steve; how can I be human?”

“Simple because you, right now, are doing the most human thing possible. You’re crying. Crying because someone told you you’re not human. And that how’s you know. That’s how everyone knows. Because you feel. You feel hurt, pain, happiness, love, shame and that makes you human. And no one should tell you different.” Bucky didn’t answer just snuggled closer to Steve.

“As long as I’m here you will never be alone Bucky Barnes” Bucky sniffled.

“Thanks. For being here and for talking me down.” Steve smiled and brushed his fingers over Bucky’s cheek. Steve opened his mouth then shut it again.

“What? What it’s it?”

“I can help you know? If you need money to pay your bills. More than that I want to help you” Bucky shook his head.

“I don’t need charity” he said firmly.

“Someone wanting to help you isn’t always charity. You might not know but you have given me so much and I want to pay you back because you’re my friend, my best friend.” Bucky stared.

“I can’t ask you to do that”

“You don’t have to. I want to do it” Steve said. Bucky chuckled.

“God you’re stubborn” 

“I’m stubborn?” Steve mimed answering the phone. “Pot this is kettle. You’re black” Bucky chuckled and Steve grinned then sobered.

“I do owe you so let me do this please?” Bucky didn’t see how Steve owed him when all he had done was clean up after Bucky’s messes. “Please?” Bucky sighed and nodded.

“Not all of it ok? I have over half of what I need.” Steve nodded. 

“Of course, Buck. Come on, let’s get some breakfast. If you’re feeling up for it?” Bucky smiled at Steve’s enthusiasm.

“Sure, breakfast sounds good.” Bucky squawked as Steve stood with Bucky still in his arms. Steve laughed and gently let go of his legs. Bucky glared and smoothed his crinkled shirt.

“Well, you don’t have any clothes here and I am short on clothes so it looks like we are going out as we are. Let’s move.” Steve saluted him cheekily and Bucky pushed him out the door.

Steve followed Bucky to a quaint French patisserie. 

“This ok?” Steve smiled.

“Looks good” Bucky nodded hungrily.

“They have the best Kouign-amann” Steve looked confused.

“What the hell is a Kouign-amann” Bucky giggled.

“Kouign-amann, very good pronunciation by the way. It takes most people a while to get it. It’s a French pastry. A bit like a cake and a pastry actually. It’s delicious.”

“You’re the expert” Bucky grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. The owner, Angie smiled when she saw him.

“Bonjour mon cher, comment allez-vous?”

“Matin Angie, je suis bon.” Angie turned to Steve. 

“Et qui est ce bel homme?” Angie asked. Steve smiled politely. 

“Je suis Steve, il est un plaisir de vous rencontrer Angie. Bucky me dit que vous faites le meilleur kouign – amann” Bucky gaped. Angie smiled delightedly.

“J'aime à penser que oui” Angie said. Steve laughed.

“I’ll have one of those then and a latte please. Buck?” Bucky shook his head wryly.

“Same for me Ange”

“Coming right up boys. Find a seat wherever you like” Angie breezed away. Bucky and Steve moved to a small table near the back, away from any prying eyes.

“I didn’t know you spoke French” 

“I could say the same for you” Bucky chuckled.

“Yeah. I speak Russian, Romanian and French fluently. And I know Italian, German and Japanese as well.”

“Wow impressive. I speak Irish and Italian. But my mum made me take German and French as well so I know enough to hold a decent conversation.”

“You can speak Irish?” Steve nodded.

“Yeah my mum is from Ireland she moved just before she had me so I grew up mostly learning Irish. Mind you, it was hard learning English when I never had to speak it at home.” Bucky silently agreed.

“Yeah, I can sort of relate. Though mum usually didn’t speak Russian so I learnt English a little easier.”

“Why did you leave Russia?” Bucky flinched slightly. “You don’t have to tell me” Steve added softly.

“No, it’s ok. You told me about your past. Uh, mom moved when my father died, I was about six, he was sort of a radical I guess so we had to leave. We got here and a year later mom met Pierce”

“Pierce isn’t your father” 

“God no. I’d never want that psycho for a father” Bucky said darkly. Steve frowned.

“Why? He always seemed nice enough. A little egotistical and ignorant of his wife but nice”

“Nice?” Bucky snarled. “That man was a tyrant. He was a drunk, he was abusive to me and my mom and I’m glad he’s dead. He can rot in hell.” Steve stared in shock and Bucky shook as he realised what he just did.

“Jesus. Steve, I’m so sorry. I’ll just go, yeah I’ll-“ Bucky froze as he found himself with an armful of Steve who had leapt up and hugged him.

“I’m so sorry Bucky. I’m so sorry you both had to go through that. I didn’t like the way he treated your mother but I didn’t think it was like that. God, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not- you believe me?” 

“Of course, I believe you, why wouldn’t I?” Steve frowned. “Did you ever tell someone?”

“Yeah Nat knew. But no one would believe us anyway.”

“That’s not true. I would’ve, the police would’ve” Bucky shook his head and stared down at the table.

“Tried that. When I was young, Pierce got drunk and hit me. It was the first time. He had hit my mom before but never me. My mum waited till he was asleep then she and I went to the cops. They didn’t believe that Pierce could ever do such a thing. To them he was an upstanding gentleman who had lost his business and was forced to move his family. We realised that nobody would believe Pierce over us.” Steve covered his hands with his own.

“I do” Bucky smiled faintly.

“I only wish I had met you earlier” Bucky said. Steve opened his mouth but was interrupted by Angie.

“Here you go boys, enjoy” She glided away again. Steve bit into his Kouign-amann.

“Wow this is actually pretty good”

“Of course, it is. Angie doesn’t do anything that’s short of amazing” Bucky said, salivating over his pastry.

“I wish I could have met you earlier too you know” Steve admitted.

“Would have been nice” Bucky said wistfully, “But this is my life, now I have to live with it”

“No, you don’t” Steve disagreed. “You have choices” Bucky scoffed.

“What choices? Whether I what to learn more, move countries, get another job, start a club. Those are everyday and they are part of this life. I don’t have a choice but to live it.” Steve sighed.

“You do actually. You have two choices” Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“Just two?” 

“Shut up, I’m having a moment” Steve complained. Bucky mimed zipping his lips. Steve snorted and continued.

“You have two choices. Two lives you could lead. One is choosing the past. Choosing to remember everything that happened to you and live with it. Most people would say living in the past is bad but I disagree”

“Now there’s a surprise” Steve kicked him under the table.

“Sometimes living in the past is the only way to survive for some people. They need to hold onto their past so they don’t get lost. They stay with the people the lost. The other option is letting go. People are right when they say you have so much ahead of you. So much you can do. You can go see the world, meet new people, start a new life. But you must let go of your old one to do that. I chose option 1 so I can’t say much about the second one but I think my friend Sam, he chose to let go and he’s happy. He will always remember the person he lost but chose to start fresh.” Steve squeezed Bucky’s knee.

“I don’t know what to choose” Bucky muttered.

“Neither is easy, trust me. I didn’t let go of my past and it nearly killed me but I came out the other side. I needed to hold on to those I’d lost, it was my way of surviving so I could do what I had to do for this country. Now you can choose. It’s not a choice of remembering or not because you will always remember. It’s just deciding what you want to do with those memories.”

“But I don’t want to lose anything”

“You won’t” Steve promised, “It’s simply a decision of what you will gain” Bucky wiped at the suspicious wetness in his eyes.

“You certainly have a way with words Mr Rogers. Very inspiring. The next Captain America” Steve went red.

“I’m not sure I could live up to every expectation of his speeches” Bucky waved a hand in dismissal.

“Oh please. You two are so similar it’s creepy. With your ‘trust me, I know what I’m doing’ smiles and your heroic speeches, you could almost be the same person” Steve was suddenly very interested in his shoes.

“Yeah all I would need to do is become a vigilante”

“That’s the spirit. Become America’s most loved vigilante. Stop the corruption, save innocent lives. The guy is very good. The fact that he is still helping even when the police and FBI are after him. I mean he came out of nowhere six years ago,. He’s got like super strength or something and nobody knows anything about him.”

“Yeah. I suppose those superhero types are always very secretive” Steve muttered.

“Poor guy. His own country against him. Anyway, ready to go?”

“Sure. Don’t even think about paying by the way” Bucky stuck out his tongue.

“Thanks for this. Talking with you, well, I don’t feel so alone” Bucky confessed. Steve lightly shoved him. “Punk” Bucky cursed.

“No problem jerk”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at that! I think there might actually be a little bit of plot in that one


	8. Devyat

Steve, true to his word had only paid what was left of Bucky’s bills. Now that his rent and hospital bills were paid he cold happily work one job, obviously, Jane’s restaurant. Bucky was still thinking about Steve’s words that he could choose to live in the past or he could let go. He honestly had no idea what he would do but he couldn’t help thinking about what Steve chose. He said it had nearly killed him but he still chose that path. Bucky wondered what Steve was hiding. He knew there was something because when he tried to bring it up again, Steve clammed up. What did Steve mean so he could do what he had to do for this country? Maybe he was talking about his responsibility as a prince but that didn’t seem right. Steve was a bit of a reclusive prince and it seemed Phillips and Queen Sarah allowed him to be. Bucky supposed everyone had their secrets. His phone went off from the kitchen. Bucky pushed himself off the lounge and reached for it.

“Hello?”

“Bucky I’m so sorry. I swear I had no idea they were following us” Steve said in a rush.

“Steve? What are you talking about?”

“Have- have you not seen the news?”

“No Steve. Jeez, I’m not that old. I don’t read the paper every morning with my cup of English breakfast”

“I take offence to that statement but you should really read the paper.” Bucky sighed.

“Hold on, it’s around here somewhere” Bucky rummaged through all the bills lying around.

“Ah ha. Got it. Now what am I looking- Shit” Steve hummed. “Fuck! How did this happen? I didn’t see anyone following us.”

“I don’t know Buck. They had to have been in the café and close to get that picture” Bucky stared at the front page. The blown-up picture of him and Steve stared right back. It was obvious what the article was about because the picture had been taken at the exact moment where Steve had held his hand.

“You don’t want to know what they are saying”

“Oh, I think I can guess” Bucky muttered. “Do they know who I am?”

“As far as we can tell, no”

“We?”

“Yeah. Phillips found out and now he has a team on it. Stark’s helping too. We are hoping to have it taken down. Your identity for anyone looking is practically unattainable thanks to Tony so no one should know it’s you”

“The Romanova’s will”

“Nope we’ve taken care of that. They won’t be saying anything” Steve paused. “I heard about Natalia’s funeral” he offered. 

“Yeah. I doubt I am invited. When is it?”

“The day after next” Bucky kept quiet.

“Hey, do want to do something tomorrow? We can go for a walk somewhere.”

“Won’t people see us?”

“Maybe but they already know I am close with someone and they can’t get your identity so there are not much the papers can do anymore.”

“Ok, if you’re sure. Oh, I know. Let’s go to the gardens!”

“Arboretum?”

“No Lincoln” Bucky corrected.

“Oh. I don’t think I have ever been there” Bucky snorted.

“Of course, not. Its smack bang in the middle of the slums” 

“Oh” Steve echoed quietly. “Well see you tomorrow. I’ll meet you at your place”

“Yep”

“Bye Buck” Bucky waited till he heard the dial tone.

“See ya Stevie” He should’ve asked Steve to go with him to Nat’s funeral. Even though he wasn’t invited he sure as hell wasn’t going to let that stop him. They had already cremated her without him. He had missed his mother’s funeral but no way was he missing Natalia’s. Her bastard parents wanted an expensive party to show how much they cared for their precious little girl who practically raised herself because they were neglectful, conceited assholes.  
Bucky felt a little better by the time he ran out of insults in Russian and Romanian and finished throwing his clothes and chairs around. He hummed to himself as he headed to bed. Maybe Steve wouldn’t mind. He had saved Bucky twice already and he really didn’t feel that he could make it through his best friend’s funeral alone. Bucky didn’t want to ever go back to that place where he nearly took his own life of it wasn’t for Steve. Bucky tripped as he knocked over the clothes line hanging in the hallway. Bucky stared then shuffled off. He could fix that tomorrow.

“Why you Steve? What is it about you?” Of all the people in the world for Bucky to latch onto he chose Steve. 

“What makes you so special Stevie?” Bucky asked himself then scoffed. He was a prince, an all American, all-rounder sort of guy. He had blonde hair that shone in the sun, plump pink lips and of course ocean blue eyes that Bucky could drown in. He choked. 

“Okay bad choice of words.” Bucky was also pretty sure talking to yourself was the first sign of madness.

“Heh. Screw that” He was also pretty sure he had been going insane for a while now so what did it matter. 

“And why am I still talking?” Bucky rubbed his eyes and hid in his pillow. Maybe Steve won’t care if he’s slowly going insane. Then again what did he care what Steve thought. That sort of felt like one of those lies people tell themselves so they don’t go crazy with guilt or something. Ok now seems like a good time to shut up and go to sleep Barnes, Bucky shouted internally at himself. Geez he was a nut case, maybe Steve could love him eventually. Bucky groaned. Apparently, he was pathetic as well.

“Go to sleep idiot” Bucky mumbled.

 

Bucky jumped up and stumbled to the front door.

“What?!” He growled when it opened.

“Good morning to you too Sleeping Beauty” Steve said sunnily. Bucky mentally slapped himself.

“Ah sorry. Late night.” Bucky muttered.

“I can see that”

“Why are you here so early?” Steve stared at his amusedly.

“Buck its midday” What? Steve lifted his hand and pointed to his watch. Well what do you know? Midday.

“Oh, ah do you want to come-“Bucky turned quickly and looked around the disaster that was his apartment. 

“Ah actually, can you hang on for a moment?” Steve nodded. Bucky smiled with a grimace then slammed the door. He threw shirts into closets, not bothering to hang them, dishes went to sinks, pants and socks were rammed into drawers, jackets and coats flew to the rack and shoes neatly walked themselves to the rack in a line. Bucky checked himself in the mirror. He brushed down his crinkled nirvana shirt straightened his jeans. Bucky strode back to the door.

“Very entertaining” Steve said, sitting in an armchair that Bucky had quickly righted. Bucky stared not so subtly at him. He looked good, in jeans that hugged his ass, a white shirt that stretched across his chest and a leather jacket that he looked unfairly hot in.

“Uh so I’ll just go get dressed, shall I?”

“Sure” Steve said, quirking a perfect eyebrow. Bucky blushed and rushed to his room.

“Just a minute” Bucky heard Steve chuckling behind his closed door. He quickly pulled on a long shirt and grabbed his denim jacket. He brushed his stupidly long hair and tried to pull it into a bun but his metal arm wouldn’t cooperate with the hair tie. God, he really needed to cut it. Bucky had no idea what he was doing. As soon as he saw Steve he lost all common sense. Bucky jogged back out to Steve.

“You don’t look so bad for someone he just woke up” Steve commented, lazily checking him out. Bucky went red and stammered.

“Yeah I uh brushed my hair and stuff” I brushed my hair? Bucky asked himself. Stupid. Steve just smiled.

“I think your hair is falling out of the tie”

“Uh yeah. I couldn’t put it up properly with this thing” he answered, gesturing to his arm.

“Do you want me to do it for you?” Bucky’s thoughts trailed off.

“What?” Steve stepped forward and grabbed the hair tie. Bucky stood frozen.

“I can do it. I used to have to help with one of my oldest friend’s hair when we were younger, this is a breeze compared to French braids and top knots for Peg’s hair” Bucky’s mind went blank at the feeling of Steve’s gentle fingers running down his scalp. He deftly pulled Bucky’s dark hair into a loose bun. Bucky was a puddle of goo as Steve tied it off.

“There” Steve said his breath against Bucky’s neck giving him goose bumps. He shuddered slightly and Steve stilled. Bucky was sure his entire face was on fire.

“Uh shall we go?” he said, breathier than he like. Steve stepped back and Bucky immediately missed his warmth as he turned to face him.

“Sure” Neither of them moved. Being this close Bucky noticed that Steve was actually taller than he thought. He had to look up slightly to meet Steve’s eyes. Bucky probably only came to Steve’s nose or just below his forehead. Steve’s blue eyes were even clearer in the light Bucky noticed. Almost like ice. He suddenly couldn’t handle their intensity and looked down at his hands. Steve stepped back again.

“Right. Uh let’s go then” Bucky nodded shakily. Steve smiled and reached for his hand. Bucky stared as Steve grabbed his hand, his metal hand. It felt strangely warm in Steve’s grasp.

“Uh you don’t have to- you know” Bucky tried while pulling his hand back.

“Don’t even think about it” Steve warned, holding it tighter. The arm whirred and Bucky sighed.

“Ok you made your point. You fine with it and its apart of me. How long are you gonna do this?”

“Until you believe it” Steve answered tugging him out the door.

The sunlight pierced Bucky’s eyes. The sky was completely devoid of clouds so Bucky immediately warmed. Steve guided him along the street as Bucky stared at the people chatting and walking around them. He wondered how many people in the slum district had lost something. This was the most hated part of town but the people here were strangely tight knit Bucky thought. The very few trees along his street blossomed in the light, their vibrant leaves soaking up the happiness of the midday bustle. His mother used to drag him along here when he was young as they headed to the gardens. “You miss them” Steve said suddenly. Bucky looked at him startled. He dipped his head.

“Yeah I do. We have lived here for so long so there’s bound to be triggers everywhere. I suppose I’ll always miss them.” Steve was silent.

“Let’s go in here” Bucky said gesturing to the west entrance of the Lincoln Gardens. They walked in, pushing open the rusty iron gates that creaked and groaned when touched. The gardens were one of the slums biggest attractions, but they had grown out of control. Roses covered the walls and gates and vines had claimed the pathways. Small plants and trees were so overgrown it was now impossible to walk to the east entrance without being cut off. The willow in the centre of the park had grown so tall, its roots were tearing up the grass and strangling the small pots of pansies lining the wrecked paths. Steve pulled him down onto a half rotted bench. Bucky placed his hands in his lap and knocked his knees together. Steve kept hold of Bucky’s hand.

“Do you like it here, I didn’t know it was so unkempt. Is there no gardener?” Bucky snorted. 

“Oh”

“Don’t worry about it. I prefer it this way I think. It gives the garden life, it’s sort of more natural. It’s beautiful.” Steve was staring at him, his eyes full of wonder. Bucky smiled shyly up at him. 

“My mother used to take me here when I was little when we needed to get away from Pierce. This was our favourite spot, under the willow watching the garden come to life.” Tears sprang in Bucky’s eyes at the memory. Steve put his arm around him and Bucky leaned into his shoulder. He was sitting here, 11 years later, without a mother and a best friend. Instead with Steve, a guy who for some reason wouldn’t let him go no matter what he did. Steve moved his arm to Bucky’s waist pulling him closer and stroking his arm. Bucky was nearly on his lap. The bell tower chimed four times. Bucky sat back up and Steve looked at his hand, still on my arm, strangely, as if it moved of its own accord. Bucky stood quickly.

“Shall we go back?” He asked. Steve nodded and offered his hand again. Being with him pushed Nat’s funeral to the back of Bucky’s mind. Unfortunately reality always sets in and when the front door closed behind Steve, Bucky was reminded that he was alone. Living in a family apartment with no family and funeral to attend tomorrow. Bucky sighed and threw his jacket at the wall, yanking his hair from Steve’s careful bun in anger. He grunted, grabbed his mum’s pillow and threw himself on the couch. He wouldn’t run. This was Nat’s, his best friend’s funeral. Bucky would do this. For her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea about where stuff is in America so I just searched the names of gardens. So sorry about the incorrect geography


	9. Pokhoronoy

Bucky couldn’t sleep that night. He tossed and turned. Letting go of Nat was one thing he wasn’t sure he could do. She was his only light in his very dark life. He pushed himself out of bed at the crack of dawn for a run to clear his mind. Maybe he should’ve asked Steve to come. Bucky ignored all his thoughts as he ran. The sky casting a greyish hue over Washington. It was just light enough to see but not enough for people to want to be out of bed. The birds chirped noisily in the trees as Bucky rushed by. A few homeless people were curled up, sheltered underneath the awning of shops. A pregnant woman shivered under her well-worn sleeping bag and Bucky felt a stab of pity. Most people who walked past here had nothing to give. The Colonel wasn’t a bad king but his focus was mainly on defence which wasn’t bad but he seemed to be oblivious to the suffering of his people. Or maybe he knew and just didn’t care. Bucky carefully pressed some cash into the women’s cold hands. She didn’t say anything but her mouth twitched into a small smile as she touched her round stomach. Bucky jogged home. His jacket was slightly damp from the light misting of morning rain. He stared silently at his wall until the sun rose well above the horizon. 

Bucky arrived hours before the funeral started walking endlessly around the cemetery. He didn’t ask Steve. He had so badly wanted to but he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t pick up the phone and ask him. So here he was alone again. It was grey. There was no rain but the sky was cloudy and the air felt wet. When the cars and hearse drove up, Bucky snuck away to the back of the church. He waited behind the willow trees and watched the four men walk the coffin to the freshly dug ground. Two of Nat’s could-be boyfriends held the left corners. That had to be awkward Bucky thought. It’s not as if she told them she was dating another man at the same time. Her father was the third and the fourth Bucky did not know. The flood of black coats followed after them. Nat’s mother and grandfather walked right behind the coffin with cousins and then her friends and family friends behind them. Then Bucky. He quietly walked across the gravel, hiding behind the last of the black coats. Hurried footsteps came from behind him and Bucky felt a hand on his shoulder. Bucky swivelled. Steve was standing behind him dressed in a black suit and shoes. Seriously he made everything look good.

“Steve? What are you doing here?” 

“I knew you were coming and I didn’t want you to go alone.”

“How did you know I was going to come?” Bucky asked, curious.

“I saw the look on your face when I told you about the funeral. You said you already knew and I could see you had decided to go. I also knew you would struggle to ask me because you don’t like to be seen needing help. But you don’t have to do everything alone. You can lean on me whenever you need.”

“Thank you” Bucky said quietly. Steve took his hand. 

“So why aren’t you there, wouldn’t you like to say goodbye?” Bucky sighed.

“The Romanov’s wouldn’t never have allowed me to be here and I didn’t want to get kicked out.”

“Well I can take you up there if you like?”

“No I don’t want to make a scene. I’m here for Nat, not for them. I can say goodbye later.” Steve squeezed his hand and kissed his temple. Bucky stiffened then relaxed into him. He needed him here. Bucky stood at the back of the crowd, hanging onto Steve, watching the dark oak coffin slowly fall into the earth.  
The Romanov’s had decided to have Nat’s funeral outside the church. The dew speckled grass had been covered in white plastic chairs laid in rows with a walkway down the centre. A single white rose lay each seat in the first row so each family member and special friends could say their goodbyes. White lilies, Nat’s favourite flower lined the outside of her grave and her headstone read ‘the light in our lives, our beloved Nat, her song has ended but her melody lingers on’.  
God, Bucky missed her so much. She was always happy, brightening every darkened doorway with her radiance. They stayed as the priest droned on about someone he didn’t even know, they stayed as Mrs Romanova purred out her eulogy. They stayed while each family member scooped up a shovelful of dirt and threw it on the grave. Only when it was time for the wake and the guests slowly made their way back to their allocated cars taking them to the Romanov’s house did Bucky go to Nat.  
Bucky brought his own rose, a red one. Nat’s favourite colour. She loved everything red. Steve stayed where he was. Bucky let go of the flower and watched it land in the sea of white roses. Bucky fell to his knees. The pebbles ripping into his suit. He reached out and Steve was there. His arms enveloped Bucky, Steve’s lips on his hair, his hands pulling Bucky into him as he lost control. Bucky sobbed on the moist dirt in front of Nat’s grave in Steve’s arm. His past and his future colliding together possibly for the last time and Bucky cried at the loss.  
Steve wanted to walk him home, but Bucky wanted some time alone. After a lot of arguing on his part he grudgingly agreed. Bucky couldn’t quite grudge up a smile so he settled for hugging Steve instead. He allowed himself to revel in the warmth of Steve’s arms for a moment before walking away quickly. Distance is good, he tried to tell himself.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Bucky didn’t go out. He didn’t really move at all except to eat now and then. He stayed in bed trying to forget what he had lost and trying to remember them at the same time. Bucky sighed. If he had done something to piss of some god, then he was truly sorry. He wanted his old life back. He wanted to hug his mother one more time or see Nat’s mischievous grin and her fiery hair. More than anything he wanted to be happy again. Hanging out with Steve was fun but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more than a friend. He wanted someone who could understand what he was going through. He wanted someone who would care about him more than life. He wanted someone who loved him and whom he could love just as fierce.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I know where I am going with, I mean I have plenty of ideas. So far I have about 10 chapters maybe written. Let me know what you think. This kinda a rough start draft.


End file.
